So, Switchfoot's new album is EFFIN GOLD.

"Awakening"

Face down with the LA curbside endings
With the ones and zeros.
Downtown was the perfect place to hide.
The first star that I saw last night was a headlight
Of a man-made sky, but man- made never made our dreams collide,
Collide.

Here we are now with the falling sky and the rain,
We're awakening
Here we are now with our desperate youth and the pain,
We're awakening
Maybe it's called ambition, you've been talking in your sleep
About a dream, we're awakening

Last week found me living for nothing but deadlines,
With my dead beat sky but, this town doesn't look the same tonight
These dreams started singing to me out of nowhere
And in all my life I don't know that I ever felt so alive,
Alive

I want to wake up kicking and screaming
I want to wake up kicking and screaming
I want to know that my heart's still beating
It's beating,
I'm bleeding
I want to wake up kicking and screaming
I want to live like I know what I'm leaving
I want to know that my heart's still beating
It's beating... it's beating...
I'm bleeding

So. Been busy. Got a job at Borders working in the cafe. The guy who's training me and the other new guy is freakin' amazing. He's so cool! Like, the embodiment of my life mottos.


I knew I was doomed when he leaned over the employee handbook and said "Now, I'm gonna tell you the secret to making the perfect cup o' Joe". And I was like

"haghag;hagladg;halalg MR. HANEKOMA *FLAIL*" -.- He's awesome. XD;

So I'm going to do my best and learn everything I can about coffee! I have two passions in this world: coffee and music. And I'm gonna let them lead me as I go forward. I'm so excited to learn about this. I'm already thinking about roasting my own special blends and what methods I wanna use and... well you can imagine.

My lovely fiance got me a new pair of headphones for Yule. I fucking love them. They're skullcandy, TI Tokidoki pieces of WIN. God, they're beautiful.

Everything makes me feel like I can make it. Like I can keep on rockin' right up to what I've dreamed. That cafe is going to exist, and I'm going to make great coffee and give Under Ground dwellers a place to chill. That culture that changed me, that made me who I am deserves to have a safe haven where we can just talk about things, rock out to our music and BE.

The anniversary of Jake's death is creeping up on me. I thought about him today. I'm still sorry; I still think it was my fault but... I'm learning to deal. I'm learning that this is just how it is... and that I can't blame the whole world for it either, you know? I can't hate everybody. It's not their fault that he died.

Well, I've managed to keep us from being homeless for another month, at a price.

That's enough to make me feel lighter than air. But the job situation isn't looking any brighter... not so light and airy. I'm feeling bitter because there's so much that I know we're good at, and this society couldn't care less.

There's no rest for the wicked, and business is good there, at least. Kazu's tragedy could hinder progress and that is a bit frustrating though I am not unsympathetic. He's my brother, my partner in crime. But a lot of times, I don't know what's going on behind his goggles. I want to make it okay for him again...but he won't let me.

But yeah. Breathing a sigh of relief for the moment. I need to redouble my efforts. No wonder so many criminals are geniuses... I'm starting to feel like a conspiracy theorist.

Okay. So I just LOST THE GAME. I also lost two other games played amongst my close group of friends. The Dixie Land game; which consists of getting the song Dixie Land stuck in your head for any reason... which often leads to losing the Sister Christian game. Which consists of getting Sister Christian stuck in your head.


....And then I was Rickrolled.






....Wtf, life.

You are The Fool

The Fool is the card of infinite possibilities. The bag on the staff indicates that he has all he need to do or be anything he wants, he has only to stop and unpack. He is on his way to a brand new beginning. But the card carries a little bark of warning as well. Stop daydreaming and fantasising and watch your step, lest you fall and end up looking the fool.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Seems like a while since I've updated.

I'm trying to find some good things to hover on, good things to focus on. And there's one really big one. I want to celebrate my engagement. I never thought I'd want forever. But how could I not?

It's a rare thing that two people find this in each other. It's an obsession so intense that it renders all other things moot. It's coursing through my veins. Love and hate and so much more... it's not hard for me to feel things. I'm quick to react, quick to absorb what's happening around me. She's different. She's cold white that repels it. I can get so violently furious about something so simple and stupid. I can admit to that always in retrospect.

Today didn't need to be as hard as I made it for myself. I knew it, and it was like ice in my stomach when those gray blue eyes looked at me from beneath copper curls and she said "This wouldn't be so hard on you if you'd stop fighting against me and just work with me for a moment." And I hate that she was right. The line is so thin. Does it really matter? In the end, is it any different? Love and hate both require huge amounts of time and devotion. They both consume your life.

There's so much that I thought I knew before. She taught me that I didn't have a clue. I hate it when people try to hurt her, because I can't stand it being anyone but me. I get so angry that I start shaking sometimes when she tells me stories of her childhood; of being beaten senseless because she got the best grades. She watches the wall indifferently when I tell her about how I could never get the perfect score that I poured my heart out for. I'd always get excited or afraid or angry and rush through a problem. It didn't matter to me then that I was still better than almost everyone else in the class. I was the only one who tested well, the only one who really put everything into it. I wanted to be the best. She winced when I told her about my rival getting moved a grade ahead, and the misery it left me in. Nothing left to strive for; I'd never make that- and I never did- and she'd just get to keep moving forward.


I used to get so frustrated at some math problems that I'd break down in tears. So miserably angry that I'd cry my eyes out. I still get frustrated with Math. I'm not good at it, I can't keep up. She makes me so angry when she can solve a problem off of the top of her head and I know that I need the calculator I'm holding. But what would I strive for if she wasn't there? I'd rather die than let anyone or anything take that away.

It's a drug. We can spend hours and hours at night worshipping each other. And she lets me drown my frustrations in her body, as frail as it is. I worry about being violent. She begs me to be even more. I lose control and for those few hours I can breathe again. When we finally collapse, exhausted, I sometimes find myself dreaming of good memories and not nightmares...something I haven't experienced in a long time.

It's like I've been poisoned. It's choking me, strangling me; I can't escape this obsession day or night. Not even in my sleep. I can never stop seeing those cold, beautiful, watchful silver eyes. I can never get the smell, the taste, the feeling of her out of my head. And in the end, I'll fight and protect her even if it kills me. I'd rather kill us both than to have to suffer the things we've both endured in the past all over again.

I feel like there's so much more I want to say, but it just goes nowhere. I talk myself in circles and I remember that I'm still the worn out whore, the tired old dog who's still so young... And I remember that I am one of His children. So much has tried to tear everything away from me, but she's constant. Unmoving. If she were less numb, I think I'd loose my only solid ground; the only thing keeping intact the thin shreds of sanity I still have. And they're not much. I'm not afraid to remember my past now. Not afraid of the things those people did to me, or the things I did to myself in order to accomplish what I had to do. Hell. I'm not even afraid of the mob family that I let myself nearly get sucked down with. If they'd wanted to come after me (what's left of them), they'd have done it by now. Part of me wishes I'd stayed on that path. That I could have kept myself from the last ditch effort that stripped my vanity and almost broke my pride. Maybe I'd be a crime lord, and we wouldn't have to suffer any more. I'd have my pockets lined with drug money and have my own new pets to use to my advantage. Then we wouldn't have to worry about our next meal, or who's going to try to jump us on the street, or if we're going to make rent. Or maybe not. Maybe it's all a moot point now. Maybe this is all I'm capable of: Scraping for scraps and snapping at my enemies from between bars like a trapped stray dog.

If that's the case, it's still what I am. I can deal with that.

The recovery felt like it took forever, but I was already on my feet and back on the case before it had healed fully. Maybe that's why the scarring was so bad. Maybe it's because I stopped caring. Maybe I was lucky that I still had half of my face. Yeah. That's probably it.

If the Mafia hadn't collapsed- been wiped out along with my vanity and my hope...I might have cared a lot more. I might have hated it more. But then, at that time... I hated everything. It wasn't just Kira's fault anymore. It was the whole world's fault for worshiping him, for giving him the strength and the means to corner what was left of Justice.

I watched him almost chase Near into a corner. I wanted to scream; wanted to bolt from my hiding place across the street. I knew his plan, knew that getting Mogi into his hands was the best thing I could do. But that didn't change that my instincts were screaming at me the entire time. I was trembling as I held the phone, despite the fact that I sounded cocky; confident. If those crazed Kira supporters had gotten a hold of him... I refuse to imagine what they would have done to him. He would have been crucified; and maybe not just figuratively. It would have blown everything if I had run. So many times that everything hinged on me and what I was doing, on my barely existent self control. If Near told me to do it then, I could have done anything. If it would have brought Kira closer to his demise, I would have gone through the fire all over again. Pain was nothing. It was letting that murderer go free that hurt.

People often wonder about my motives. Some say that I did everything because I hated Near. Some say it was because I just wanted to be recognized, and all of those things were there. They were elements, but the truth of it was that I didn't care about Kira. I cared about L. Light Yagami could have gone about killing the so-called unjust forever. I may have even agreed with him in another life. But he did one thing that was unforgivable; one thing that was too personal.

He took L.

I had met him face to face. Something that his other heirs never had the privilege of. He sat with me. Talked with me. Guided me. I knew that I could do it then- that I had the strength to cast off my identity and become the faceless genius known as L. It was the rest of the people at Wammy's House who didn't have a clue. I think that maybe L would have chosen me in the end; that's something I keep quietly, close to my heart. But I know that Roger and the other adults were sold on Near. Near was better at everything. Near was sane. I won't take those things that he passed onto me to my grave, though the details of that most precious memory will go into the darkness with me.

I don't have much time, and I'm going to hide this so that it doesn't get destroyed. This is my last will and testament if you will. I won't call myself anything other than "M" here, because that's all I was to the world. A letter and a face that will not be remembered for what I did.

But one person will remember.

Near.

I won't apologize. But I'll tell you the truth. I don't hate you. I want you to live. I want you to go where I couldn't. This world and I weren't meant for each other anyway. I hope you'll pray for my soul when I'm gone, and I trust that you'll finish him off; that you'll avenge Him. Don't cry for me. Don't blame yourself. When it happens, remember that this is what I chose. It's not goodbye...maybe.

Keep going, and don't forget me. Because if you do...that's when I'll really be gone forever.

I've spent way too long this last week working on these.

Please enjoy.

Enough: An Anti-Kira tribute

http://www.4shared.com/file/140421422/c50867c8/Had_Enough-_anti_Kira_tribute.html

I wasn't planning on making this originally, but I ran across the song on my hard drive and was like "HOLY SHIT *stare*" It's literally L, and then his successors vs. Kira and what he's done. I'm really looking for comments and critique, so let me know what you think.

Saving me: Mello's sacrifice

http://www.4shared.com/file/140417581/c5e791c3/Savin_Me.html

This is the amv I set out to make. This song has probably been used a million times, but I wanted to put my personal twist on this. It's literally about the sacrifice that Mello made for Near's sake; for everyone's, and the pain that his rival must have felt at losing the only person who he was ever challenged by.

Part two of my Mello muses' backstory. I think there will probably be three parts in all.

It was from this position that I was able to begin my own assault, my own attack on Kira. I knew about the Death Note because of L's notes and don't think I didn't take what I could from them. I started to gather information. In fact, I was on my way to the same conclusions that Near was.

I remember; I was with a client, just about to reach climax when some idiot burst into the room informing me that the operation had been successful, that we had our hostage. No niceties necessary, I left her there (after finishing up) and ran for the main rooms. I was close now. There was no way that the NPA could refuse to respond to this.

And it was only a matter of time until we got an unexpected response. A response from Kira. It was him. Of that I was sure, and it was a most delightful turn of events. I hadn't expected to get this answer. So easy, so clear. Kira was someone who was within the NPA's Kira task force. He'd infiltrated to the very heart of it, and it was most certainly how he had managed to bring about L's untimely death. I was closing in on my victory, and it crept ever closer as we came into possession of Sayu Yagami. It was like the pieces were falling right into my hands. I was never any good at puzzles. I didn't have the patience and would always get frustrated and quit part way through. This was just far too easy.

At that point, I was so certain that I was going to surpass Kira...When the Death Note was finally in my hands, I had no qualms with what I did next. I made Near pay. I hoped that it hurt, and I hoped that the SPK suffered. That was something that will never apologize for. As it stands, I have no regrets. There's nothing that could have deterred me from what I did next, from preparing to go after the man who had taken everything from us.

Everything didn't go as planned. I thought I could use the Shinigami to our advantage. To this day...I don't know what the hell happened. I just knew that our base had been infiltrated and everything was a mess. I was running, and my options were running out quickly.

When Soichiro Yagami had me cornered, I knew that it was do or die; it was either flip that switch or be taken into custody and killed. And that wouldn't have been conductive to the vengeance that L deserved. There is much misconception about my actions just before that moment. I grabbed a gas mask. It was the closest thing to me, and the only thing that could protect my face from the eyes of the NPA as they entered the room. They had my name; I could not afford for them to see my face.

The blast wasn't a problem. The heat was. Melted vinyl and plastic is what did the damage to my face, what severed me from my vanity. I pulled myself from the rubble. There was no one there to help me. I had to get out of there, even through the mind-numbing pain. I don't know how I did it. I'd done something like it before, that time... when I should have died. So many times I should have died. But my will was stronger than that. My will kept me walking forward, even when I started to pull the deformed plastic away, layers of skin coming with it. The burns spread down my shoulder, onto my back and my upper arm. I didn't make it far before I collapsed, certain that the NPA was going to come back and find me... that it was all going to be over.

But I woke up in an unfamiliar place, my wrists restrained. I look back and it was probably for my own safety; to keep me from clawing at my injuries in my drugged stupor, but when I looked up and saw that face watching me; a tiny finger tangled in white hair...I was enraged. I started screaming at him. He didn't flinch. Near watched me; had taken me hostage somehow... but his "people" ; the ones he paid for with L's inheritance cared for me. It wasn't something I could have cared for at a hospital- not with the NPA looking for me. And so it was impossible to do anything for appearance's sake. I was alive. That was what mattered.

As soon as I broke free and the pain was bearable, I was gone.

Near hated it I think. He never hated me. Not for a moment. I think that maybe he wondered what he had done wrong to make himself the object of such scorn.... I think that maybe I hated myself for lying for so long; for letting him believe that I hated him for the ranking. It was the only thing I hated... until that moment. Until I began to hate everything. That was when everything changed, the spark of insanity that I was so well known for was dampened. I became resigned to a fate that I couldn't quite see yet. Everything had changed, and yet it was the same.

I cut this to save F-lists of course. And keep in mind that most of these are shots everyone's probably seen. I just wanted to put them up here so my favorites were all in one place. These are photos from the Mello Near photo shoot we did.


( Photos behind cut. )